WHAT CAN I DO

so,  i heard a song for the first time today – a worship song i’d never heard that was really good.  it says, what can i do but thank you?  what can i do but give my life to you?  what can i do to praise you?  everyday make everything i do a halellujah, a halellujah!  (“what can i do,” by paul baloche).  simple enough.  sure. 

but, you see, i’ve been kinda, well, exhausted?  is that the word?  some of it’s good exhausted, in terms of living out things here and just doing what needs to be done.  it’s that satisfied tired, so to speak.  but some of it for sure is also because of various things that weigh on me and get to me.  way to much to get into here. hah

and, a lot of it is just stuff that leaves me questioning….god, how?  what?  why?  what next?  i don’t get this.  i want to change this.  i want to see this happen.  i don’t like this.     we all go through this.    we are left going…..”what can i do?”   and man, that frustrates me.  when i don’t know what to do or how to do it, or when i am not released to do something about something. 

i also get confused and frustrated – with god.  but, in the end, all any of this kind of thinking does is leave me trying to work things out myself – to make everything ok – to be this perfect person to make up not only for my own failures, but also for other people’s.  i ware my heart out, instead of just letting my heart be the conduit for god’s heart (which then requires no actual energy of my own).

look, we will have struggles and hurt and be affected by things.  gosh, of course.  paul talks about it.  he talks about the affects things had on him.  he felt things very deeply.  heck, he said he would gladly be cursed himself if it meant that those he loved would find and live salvation as god intends.  he was intense.  but, you know what?  he sure seemed to do well at giving it all back to god.  that intense love and care and commitment didn’t keep him stuck.  same with david.  he really, really felt things deeply.  but again, he always just threw it back to god.  so, they had the strength needed;  they had the wisdom and ability to think clearly that they needed.  they had the action to express to others what they needed.  they were able to also enjoy life fully. 

so, today, that song just hit me hard.  in the end — what can i do but thank you…what can i do but praise you….what can i do but continue to give my life to you and make it a halellujah to you god?!

do you have any idea how many things i have for which to be thankful?  oh my word.  i won’t bother listing it all for you.  but seriously, there are scads of things – big and small, surprising and expecting. 

so, what can i do but just give everything over to you god?  what can i do but continue to live in all that you are and all you have?  what can “I” do?  nothing!!!!  nothing!!!!  it’s what you do god.  it’s who you are.  all i can do is thank you, praise you, surrender myself and allll of everything to you.

we all need a little push

(if you click the pics, you can see them bigger, by the way)

go jordan, go jordan…dancing at our “celebration”

so, i have been needing a little push lately.  it’s not the first time in my life to be sure. ha!  sometimes i need a really big push!  but lately, even though i am ok and god’s presence is very real, i’ve sure needed a bit of a push – encouragement – fresh perspective.  we all need this at times; well, most times, really.  i’ve been fortunate enough to have people walk with me through various times of needing this kind of push.  and even this past week, i had friends willing to give of their time, energy, and money to simply come and hang out, as well as assist in what god’s doing.  bless god that i, and many of us, have this kind of support in the kingdom of god.

this was actually a bit of a clean moment compared to the rest of the time

if you know anything about part of why i am to be living life in northern uganda these days, then you know that one of the big reasons is because i feel like i am to live out among people here an extension of experiences in my own life. 

 home-made bricks, mud for mortar, assembled by hand. i think steph might put one in her yard.

it is obvious that we all need some help at times, sure.  but, sometimes we forget that both we ourselves and for sure the people around us all just need some encouragement.  we don’t need to do things for people, but we certainly should be walking with people.  good thing heidi brought so many granola bars from wengers (scratch and dent food place)

so, a big thing about what is happening with this resettlement is just giving people a little push, as they see that god’s love can actually strengthen them in mind, body, and spirit.  the joy of the lord is their strength.

 maria (one of the seven, widowed and caring for many), the kids, and james (the local pastor in gulu town who got me connected with everything) all helping out!

i think we were all amazed, once again, to see how the group would pitch in and help.  it was also way cool to hear them share a bit about how they are changing.  one woman, easter, shared how she is so happy because of all the unity and change that is happening.  it is a heart move, not just a physical move, that’s going on.

i don’t know what else to say at this point.  my brain is a bit wasted and needs a rest.  i had some great days working and then just hanging… easter making posho over the fire – served with beans for lunch  …with friends.  i am so, so thankful for the time and support and insights and laughter and correction and love.  but, i just can’t think to write any more at this moment.  haha.  still, i wanted to post some more pictures.

plus, i wanted to just reiterate again how great the power of jesus is to overcome all situations and have influence and impact to make what seems impossible to us a reality.  may we all give one another little pushes when needed so that we all experience that joy of the lord that strengthens us in all things and for all things!

patrick and was an assume worker throughout.  it was so cool to see the kids learning skills and feeling that they were part of something special – and see the difference in their families

their new drum – time to praise!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

gathering together for fellowship, meal, and god-time

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

me and jordan – we were all impressed at how i was downright bronze (tanner than everyone else)

 

 

                                             three amigas

 

 

 

 

 

final night – eating by lake victoria.  a real treat for me and good restorative time.  necessary pushes!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

lawlessness and anarchy

so, my time in the states was swell.  i put on at least 10 lbs. and held pippo a lot and did a lot of driving (i love to do that, for those who don’t know) and lost at every card game i played  and ate at red robin 4 times (that’s for you tim)  and slept so great on comfortable beds, and worked every sunday ( ) and froze constantly (but loved every bit of snow-white beauty) and cried tears of awe while driving among the red rock and blue skies en route to the rez in recognition of god continuing to lead me on his way, and just generally had really good times hanging with so many ppl.   everyone should live out of the country for a while so they can come back and fully appreciate every aspect of the usa and people in their lives.

i am now back to the land of lawlessness and anarchy.  you see, what i’m sure was the funniest moment of my time in the states was this:  while taking a road trip with heidi – and doing the driving – i was talking about things in uganda.  i was sharing about my struggles with getting angry and being quite a prickly person to be around, and how that is so much a part of the spiritual climate here.  and, it is.  but, i was using some examples to make this point.  one was about grabbing the taxi-conductor guy’s shirt and shoving him against the door because he was cheating everyone and not letting us out of the van (everyone has laughed when i tell the story, even though it was scary to me and a turning point in needing to apply living beyond the anger.  but, yes, it is comical to hear me describe it and might as well be laughed at now).

but then, i started explaining how no one pays any attention to any road regulations.  they drive however they want to and it’s just craziness.  and i was being serious about how this bothers me so, so much because it is utter chaos most times and so rude – and quite dangerous because of the extremeness of it.  and, as the words are coming out of my mouth, i am thinking to myself — “oh man, this is funny, because this is exactly how i can be when driving (though, no, not at all to the extent or with the danger of stuff here – not at all), and it’s kinda funny that this is the thing god is using… ((because, yes, i am a very good driver, but yes again, i have been known to go on the sidewalk to avoid the speed bumps (just going to my house on the rez), to turn left when the left-arrow is red (can’t we just do that if there is no sign saying you can’t?) do more than a bit of speeding, have frustration at any driver who is not up to the standard i have randomly set for them while we meet on the highway, figure keeping “car stuff” up to date isn’t really that big a deal, and on and on)) …to help me apply more patience and be less controlling of things, etc.”  at the same time i, start to hear this chuckle coming from the passenger seat (knowing she’s laughing at exactly that point that’s in my head.  so, i  just say, “well, but this…. it’s just lawlessness and anarchy.”  and heidi goes into a classic, “oh my gracious” fit of laughter.  i do the same, in part just laughing her extreme laughter, but also just letting go – in the form of laughter – all the intensity of living in this environment, how it can affect me, and how god is using one of my own flaws to help me just release it all and let it go and be able to better love and see past the outward expression of deeper, serious issues.

things here are always so intense – so heavy.  it’s not always super-obvious on the surface, i guess.  though, it is to me.  and honestly, for as much as i am “ok” and doing “alright,” i also know that it all keeps weighing on me and building up in various ways.  and, you know, these ways that it builds in me aren’t super-obvious either.  so, having this comical exchange about just one of the many things that add to the core of intense issues here, helps me now (i hope, ha) to bounce these things off of god and not take them on myself so much.  let him carry the weight so that i can be more free to love and give and care-care-care in ways that express who He really is, and not just be a reaction to all that is weighing me down – or that i am trying to protect myself from or continue to control.  my life here, living my life here, is being out of control.  and i need to trust that – that it is ok and i am ok. 

so, i thank you god for really carrying me these many months amid extreme change.  you have, and things are different in me and are opening up here for things to come.  thank you for times of laughter and renewal and beauty and silence while in the states.  thank you for laughing at us and continuing to draw us to yourself in every way, despite ourselves, and lighting the path  to keep moving forward.

  SO, JUST KEEP LAUGHING…

and realize that in all things there is life and overcoming because of jesus and all he is and gives.

lawlessness and anarchy….

(at vegas airport…the AIRPORT!…what happens in vegas stays in vegas…)

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bless god

bless god and what a blessing he is!

so, i just thought i needed to take a moment to give thanks for good things god has done and worked out.  it’s easy to focus on what i struggle with or what is challenging here or what comes against me personally or against his life extending to others, but i want to be sure to recognize that cool things, also.  some big, some simple:

• my feet are ok.  if you didn’t know, i’ve been suffering from plantar faciatus for a year.  at times, it was so bad that i couldn’t walk – i would literally crawl to the bathroom in the morning, i’d pop so many ibuprofens.  i could only wear certain shoes.  but now, i’ve been wearing inserts, and received some specific prayer.  and here i am  – walking quite a bit, and seem to be fine.  like – i can’t even press on my heel and feel the pain like would always at least be the case.  woo-hoo.
• i am done with the whooping cough.  i was sick from, wow – march through early june.  went through 3 anti-biotics, various meds, etc., etc.  most of april and may i would hack up a lung on a regular basis.  couldn’t walk from one end of the house to the other or laugh a little bit, without a major cough.  and before that, i would get fevers, be fatigued, just generally not be myself.  anyway, again, with a strong anti-biotic and some more prayer, i seemed to be good to go.  nothingn has returned, as it would do all winter/spring.
• i recovered from my salmonella poisoning with some real energy again.  i was so wiped out from like the end of may til i don’t know when i june.  i would be so tired and just wasn’t quite right all the time – even after the main poisoning.
• the airlines did not charge extra for my overweight/oversized bags.
• i have my guitar here; it arrived safely; it is a new one that will be more durable and up to traveling with.  i know it will be an asset and tool god will use.
• i left the u.s. with no place to live or even assurance of where i’d stay my first night, and i ended up both with friends to help and excitedly take me in, as well as then a house that is beyond what i could have expected, to rent officially.
• window rock schools messed up with some funding from the past couple years, so i ended up with a nice little chunk of extra cash.
• i have a lot of great people in my life.  so blessed with some really swell relationships from all over.  and, i had just some special dinners/picnics/gatherings before leaving the rez and pa with various ppl.
• got some rest and renewal before coming here that was years overdue.  from vacationing with heidi to hagnin in pa and mowing lawns, it was just relaxing.
• seeing les miserable.  just something special about the show for me – as i’ve written in earlier posts.  to be able to go in london at low-cost was awesome.
• the yankees are now only 3 games out of first. 
• overall provision by god in all areas.
• was in the village this weekend.  and so a new start begins.  and god is good.
• just an overall recognition of the power of the gospel of jesus christ for salvation, transformation, and multiplication.

 

and, HAPPY BIRTHDAY FUNNY PIPPO!  and other ppl who have july bdays!  haha  but you aren’t as cute as pippo, who is always thinkin about how tute she is.